Numb.

It’s been a while since I posted, and initially I came on here to post a recipe for the vegan/gluten free chocolate chip cookies that I baked this morning that were pretty awesome, but my head and my heart just aren’t there right now.

Madelyn woke me up this morning at 6:30.  Normally on a Saturday, I would lay there and listen to her on the monitor and pray that she would fall back asleep for just a little bit longer.  That was not the case today.  I sleepily stumbled to where my girl was singing away and smiling in her crib.  I brought her back to my bed to feed her, cuddle with her and just be.  I laid there and listened to her sing me songs and tell me stories-it was the best morning I’ve had in a long time.

I refuse to turn on the TV today.  I prayed that when I woke up this morning, that yesterday’s events had been just a bad dream.  I was in 8th grade when the Columbine shooting happened.  I remember watching it on TV and thinking why would someone do this?  Throughout my years in middle and high school we had a few bomb scares, where we’d have to evacuate the building and after the first few, it just became an inconvenience and I thought nothing of it.

I was at work when a coworker came and told me that there was a shooting at an elementary school.  I honestly thought nothing of it.  We figured it was an angry boyfriend/husband situation.  It wasn’t until I sat down at my computer and saw what was actually happening.  I sat on the internet and watched the news sites report an increasing death count of children.  Young, innocent children and my heart sank. I started to feel sick to my stomach.  I called Madelyn’s daycare just to see how she was doing.  She got her shots yesterday, so I just asked how she was doing with those but in reality I just wanted to hear that she was okay.  I spent the rest of my day watching the clock go by.

When I picked her up from daycare, I sat there and hugged her for a really long time and gave her a million kisses.  The daycare lady gave me a sympathetic look, she knew.  When we got home Larry had the news on and I couldn’t help but break down and cry.  I cried for those poor innocent children whose lives were taken before they even began.  I cried for those parents who went home without their child and whose lives will never be the same.  The parents who have to spend this Christmas without their little one.   And I cried for our country and the future of this country that my daughter will grow up in.  As a society we’ve become so numb to this sort of thing.  It wasn’t until it happened to group of innocent children that I truly felt something.

I’ve only been a mother for 4 months and I can’t even begin to imagine what those parents are going through right now.  And I pray to God that I never will.  This tragedy is just another reminder that every breath we take, every day that passes, is a gift and can be taken away at anytime.  Don’t take it for granted.  Live in the moment and love to the fullest everyday.

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